Saturday, 12 July 2008

Male Refrigerator Blindness. . . It's a Real Thing.

It’s a real affliction. Just ask Peter. He can’t see anything in our refrigerator.

Him: “Babe, do we have any more Miracle Whip?”

Me: “It’s on the shelf in the fridge.”

Him: “Which shelf?”

Me: “One of them.”

Sounds of shelf shuffling and jars clinking ensues.

Him: “I think we’re out.”

Me: Get up from whatever I am doing to go to the refrigerator and deftly move one or two jars to reveal the Miracle Whip (what’s so miraculous about it, anyway?).

Him: “Oh, I didn’t see it.”

Me: “Ya think?”

Can someone explain male refrigerator blindness for me? Anyone? Can a MALE explain it for me?

Then there’s closet blindness, that encompasses anyplace where clothes might be. Socks, shirts, shoes. . . doesn’t matter. The phenomena continues.

Now, anyone that reads my words should know that I absolutely adore my husband. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I am convinced that I am in the middle of my happily-ever-after. I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. I would die for this man.

Why do I tell you this? Well, Peter already told me I’m not allowed to write about this, not allowed to tease him in print. I love you honey. . . deal with it. Besides, even though it is a bizarre disease you have, it just makes you that much more adorable.

So ladies, do you think it might help if we labelled everything in the refrigerator?

Oh wait, my bad. Everything in the fridge is pretty much labelled already, isn’t it? You know, the sticker that says ‘Miracle Whip’, or ‘Heinz’ or ‘Maple Syrup’?

I’m working on a solution – you never know, I could be a millionaire from my idea, but I might need some help fleshing out the details. I am sure there are some women out there that would be happy to be on my invention committee, right?

So here’s what I’m thinking:

Get the dog that already lives in your house. He (or she) knows where the refrigerator is, in fact, your pet has probably spent more hours stalking that fridge than you’ve spent taking things out or putting things in.

The family dog knows the fridge like James Bond’s Q knows his gadgets.

If we could teach our animals to talk, the problem would be solved. But, since that won’t work (that I know of), why can’t we just give our pets (the animals, not the men) a little positive reinforcement, so when a small instance of blindness hits, maybe our pets can be trained to give a little (painless) nip or nudge in the right direction?

What do you think? It will certainly help with the having to stop what you’re doing to go show the men in your house where you keep the eggs, don’t-cha think?

Of course, if we go this route, we’ll have to start keeping the dog cookies in the fridge too.

And of course, that won’t work, because when the dog shows Peter where the Miracle Whip is, he’ll have to reward the dog.

And Lord knows, he won’t be able to find the dog cookies in the fridge either.


PS- Since the publishing of this column, I've had to point out where the peppercorns were, where the cream hides in the fridge and where a movie was that he wanted. Yes, all were in their normal spots.