Okay, I’m a happily married woman, so when you read the headline, you might think that I have no right to expound on the calamities of dating and snagging that perfect man. But since I’ve managed to snag my own perfect man, technically, I’m an expert, right?
The latest season of The Bachelor started on Monday. It boasts a handsome English gentleman named Matt. He’s charming and has that all-too-sexy accent that sends the ladies swooning. Twenty-five women, in shiny dresses and over-coiffed hair are vying for this bachelor’s attention, and it seems they will do anything to get it.
Which brings me to the dating DON’Ts. Actually, they should be called dating-hell-to-the-****-no-way-don’ts, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
DON’T squeal like a star-struck teenager when you meet for the first time. Twenty-five women or not, this was technically their first date. When is the last time any of you squealed at your date when you met? And if you did (shame, shame), did you get a second date? I didn’t think so.
DON’T bring tacky, meaningless gifts to present as an offering to your date. Really, is he a god to be angered or worshipped? No way. Come ON, have some pride. Pink fuzzy dice are no rose guarantee, even if it does perfectly match the bubble-gum pink of your dress.
DON’T show the bachelor how to put together a clarinet before you play it for him. And even though you may be amazingly talented when you play, it is so not sexy to show the bachelor how you stick the reed in your mouth to make it wet so the instrument will vibrate before you put it together, neck-strap and all. Sigh.
DON’T serenade the guy. Come ON, ladies, please. I know you need to stand out among the 25, but really, when you get a rose, is it because he was enthralled with your performance, or because he just feels a little bit sorry for your nerdiness and desperation?
And then there’s the first impression rose, for the one woman who made a lasting impression. Now the weirdness comes out in full-tafetta’d-regalia.
Arm wrestling your bachelor? Um, NO. Next.
Admitting you were a Bush Aide in the White House? Not so much. Next.
Chewing (yes, chewing!) a piece out of the middle of an aluminium can just to get his attention away from a political conversation? NEXT!
And then there was Stacey, the blonde bimbette. Stacey, who is the epitome of DON’T DO THIS, Stacey who made the whole episode worthwhile.
Picture a sapphire blue, sparkling cocktail dress, revealing enough to show the lovely tattoo on the lower back, busty enough to prove that plastic surgery was there. And the attitude? Let’s just say it was porn-star meets Ghengis Khan, because she had a plan to conquer her man and make him melt in her arms. Unfortunately for her, this included sliding off her panties and stuffing them in the bachelor’s pocket.
Maybe it was all the champagne she was drinking. I do recall a scene with Miss Stacy face-down on a spare bed, snoring her drunk away.
Did she get a rose? No, praise the heavens. Our bachelor said that no matter what culture you’re from, handing over your panties just isn’t cool.
And losing your **** because he didn't choose you? Please, have some pride! You crying messes have no excuse, and you are so embarrassing. Go out and order a copy of He's Just Not That Into You and Get. A. Clue.
Ladies, take note. No bachelor is worth making a fool of yourself for. Just be yourself.
And keep your chronic hiccups a secret. We didn’t want to know. Really.
Watch the following video for Stacey in all her bachelor glory!
