Tuesday 5 June 2007

Swarm of Blood Thirsty Beasts Attacks Lanark County

No matter how much I swat, run, cover, spray, duck, close or scream, those blood-sucking freaks won’t go away. Dang mosquitoes.

I know we all deal with these pests every day, no matter where we live in Lanark County. Maybe that could be our county slogan,”Lanark County, There’s No Place Better to Lose Your Blood and Itch.”

Okay, maybe not.

If every window and door is closed, every screen sealed, every hole taped, how do those vampires get in? And do they wear watches? Because they certainly know that a sneak attack at three in the morning is much more effective than bombing during daylight hours when we can actually see them.

I think that we don’t give mosquitoes enough credit. I think that they may be an alien race sent here to destroy us. Granted, they aren’t an incredibly advanced alien species, but still. You can’t tell me the Lord had any purpose for them when He created them, can you? And if God didn’t create them, they must be here for other reasons.

Picture this: Pre dawn hours. Squadrons of mosquitoes meet over pools of water, dropping their eggs, making plans for a day of blood sucking. The mosquito general’s orders are simple for his troops: Keep sucking until all the blood is gone. Until they’ve dehydrated the lot of us on earth and can have it for themselves. So battle plans are drawn up as follows:

Wait by the front door for humans to exit. Fly inside the house as fast as possible and lay low until dark. Hover by the car doors so you can buzz them as they buckle themselves in. Being trapped in small spaces greatly increases your chance of bloody success. Keep at it, never give up. You are all martyrs for the kingdom of Mosquito, and it is an honour to be smashed with a curse by human hands. Confuse them as they go on walks. Keep circling their heads and landing on their arms until they give up on their walk and return to the sanctuary of their homes.

Don’t worry, my mosquito brothers. That’s where the humans have false hope. When we get inside their domiciles, we will wait in quiet starvation until we hear the gentle sounds of human slumber. Then our secret forces will buzz their ears, wake them up, and giggle as they swat at nothing, turn on the lights and yell at each other because we can’t be found. Soldiers, keep at it! When the lights are off again, keep biting, sucking and drinking until there is nothing left but a sleepless, itching blob of human flesh!

Soldiers, be glad when their blood splats on the wall with your death. That’s one for us mosquitoes. Be brave, brothers, and never give up the battle!

Mosquitoes may never give up the battle, but neither will we. Just know that whenever we smack, spray or citronella one of those blood sucking aliens, we’re giving the human race one more chance.