Friday, 29 June 2007

It’s Crispy Critter Time in Lanark County

It seems you can’t drive for more than ten minutes without running in to a body of water here in Lanark County. And since I just went outside and saw my cat panting in the shade, all this water around us is a really great thing.

Because I am so freaked out from seeing a panting cat, I thought it might be a good idea to discuss heat and sun survival in our part of the world.

First, we know you must drink copious amounts of water. Yes w-a-t-e-r. I know that there is water content in beer, wine, coolers or cocktails. However, ice does not count as your daily water consumption. Your water should be cool, clear, refreshing, and free of any alcoholic content, no matter how much the rising blood alcohol level might make you forget how sweaty you are.

Next, make sure you’re well covered with sun-screen. Self-tanner does not count, nor does anything with less than an SPF 15. And if you do think self-tanner counts as protection from the sun, I dare you to slather yourself with tan in a bottle and see how many pretty shades of red you turn at the end of the day. Oh, and water that rests in the burn blisters doesn’t count as hydration either, just in case you were wondering.

The easiest and most environmentally friendly way to enjoy the summer sun is to make friends with people that own water-front abodes. Bring cookies, offer to clean, barbecue up a side of beef, do anything you can to get them ingratiated to you. So much so that they have no choice but to let you become another child, an in-law or a homeless relative that has plopped themselves on their cool sofa to enjoy the cool breeze off the lake. And because of the side of beef, they won’t be able to ask you to leave. That would just be rude.

Now, if your unsuspecting hosts have a boat, well then you’ve just hit the jackpot. Take it out for a spin, pretending that you hear some funky noise that you just know you can fix. Even if the owner doesn’t hear the noise, keep driving the boat and cocking your head just so. If you have to stop the boat at some sandy shore to ‘let her cool down’, well, nobody can blame you for erring on the side of caution, can they?

Of course, not knowing anyone with these fabulous toys could pose a problem. But then again, go back to your childhood. Staying cool meant a hose, some water balloons, a sprinkler in the yard and maybe a Slip-n-Slide.

But let’s not embarrass ourselves, okay? Nobody wants to see you in your bathing suit from grade 4. Be respectable, and maybe some poor fool driving by will take pity on you and invite you to their lake house.

In any case, stay cool, stay hydrated and stay protected from the evil rays of the sun. This heat just isn’t worth dying for.