Limo Irony

I am a fan of the ironic. Let's be clear that I am not a fan of the moronic. So here's some irony, as told to me by a close, personal friend.

Joe owns a limo company and is enjoying the spoils of a rapidly growing business.

Joe hires a 30-year veteran of city bus driving for the big Capital city just east of us. Joe is confident in his choice of new driver. Who better than a bus driving veteran of commuter traffic and hundreds of passengers?

Joe knows his new driver will enjoy a more relaxing, and definitely more fun gig with his limo business.

Joe no doubt enjoys a night off that is well-deserved and as been a long time coming. Just ask his wife. She'll tell ya.

The new driver, let's call him Eeyore, has his first night on the job.

And gets hopelessly lost with the clients in the car.

And backs into something hard enough to cause bodily injury to the limo - NOT the passengers.

Yes, they were in the car.

Still not sure if Eeyore is employed by Joe. Joe's a nice guy, so maybe Eeyore will just be given the benefit of the doubt - first day jitters and all that - because he's used to driving a BUS and a limo is just too small and confusing. . .

But Joe, like me, is not so much a fan of the moronic, so Eeyore's fate is yet unknown.

My Renovation Dreams

This column was a special request from my editor for a home improvement supplement that was published 4/18/08.

If, in my perfect fantasy world, a renovation expert walked into my house and said I had no choice but to make any and all changes I’d want to my home, and start making them immediately, and budget was no object, I wouldn’t know where to start.

Do I pull out every magazine picture of my so-called perfect home that I’ve been saving since I was 10 years old and start as far back as 1970? Maybe I’m over avocado shag carpet. I was only five, after all. I remember thinking that green shag carpet was as cool as living on a big field of grass. Maybe I should throw that picture out and start with something more recent.

I would like to think that I can do the renovations myself because I can be crafty. IKEA and Allen wrenches taught me that, as did all the fabulous DIY shows that grace our television channels. But even I know there’s only so much I can do with an Allen wrench, glue gun, can of spray paint and roll of duct tape. And I can only imagine how difficult it is to build a hearth for the fireplace with nothing but said tools and weirdly diagrammed instructions.

It’s good to know one’s limitations.

So, let’s pretend that I can do my own home renovations. Knowing my luck, I’d end up with too many extra parts and a bitter complex about my less-than-stellar-renovation-efforts as Peter laughed and pointed at everything coming apart at the glue-gunned seams.

I’d realize that experts are needed when Peter dials 911 because I’ve fallen off the ladder, broken my thumb with the hammer or inadvertently chopped off an ear with the saw. My ear, Peter’s ear, the dog, the cat – it doesn’t matter. I could probably cut off all ears with one swipe of my clumsiness.

It could be a new record.

Once the bleeding stopped, I’d be able to reassess the situation and call in reinforcements that know how to hammer a nail. I’d realize my shortcomings (for about 2 minutes) and relent.

What would you do if your home renovations were limited only by your imagination?

Too bad imagination won’t build a solid stone castle with a fierce, shark-infested moat on our acre and a half. If it could, solicitors beware. Who knows where the trap door to the other dimension has been built into our driveway? Yes, my renovation experts are that good.

In reality, a fancy castle with a moat and an other-dimension trap door would take plenty of planning. Experts can draw a plan and tell you down to the nail how realistic, expensive and how much time it will take to add value to your home.

Whether it’s your dream bathroom with the ever-full-and-ever-hot bubble bath, or the walk-in closet that resembles your own Nordstrom’s, a plan is needed before anything can happen.

Do your homework and make a few calls before you decide on a contractor. Any estimates you get should be free. Your contractor should have a Website with a picture portfolio that you can look at to see some examples. It wouldn’t hurt to ask for some references as well. Make sure you know their warranty and guarantee policies. Make sure they will clean up their mess when the job is finished, no matter what.

Most importantly, please remember that the best price doesn’t always mean the best work. Do your homework so you end up with a fabulous renovation that adds value to your home and keeps you injury free.

Goodbye, Randy. We'll Really Miss You.

 

How can anyone sum up a man’s life in just a few words?

I knew Randy Slater for only a couple of years before he left us suddenly on Saturday, February 2^nd. As I write this, it’s still difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that Randy isn’t with us anymore, that his larger-than-life personality and sense of humour is gone forever.

I imagine that most of our Lanark County community is feeling the same way.

Of course, I do know that Randy wouldn’t want us all crying about it. He’d want us to get back to work, get the job done, quit whinin’. After the work is done would be soon enough to tip one in his honour. He’d want us to celebrate his life, but make sure that business carried on as usual. Even Winston, the family dog would probably be ordered to go bury a bone or something.

Randy was entirely too young to be finished on this earthly plane, even though none of us can pretend to know why he had to go. He was about to celebrate his 50^th birthday, and took the ribbing with his normal good-natured humour. In 2007, he celebrated 25 years of marriage to his wife, Lisa, and has two children, Megan (21), and Lindsay (19). Lisa and Randy were looking forward to a well-deserved holiday in a few weeks.

Randy was one of the hardest working men I knew. He always had an idea, was always on top of whatever his beloved Home Hardware store needed. There wasn’t anything that he missed when it came to his work, and even if he was a little disorganized and messy, Randy knew his stuff. Whenever I visited the friendly chaos that is upstairs in his office, I wondered how he could possibly know where anything was in the paper explosion that was his desk. The chaos extended to the entire office, but that man was sharp, missed nothing. Even Jody, his faithful assistant, wouldn’t dare to upset his system.

Randy loved life, loved people, his Home Hardware store and his Home Installs business. He enjoyed a business growth spurt last summer and was over the moon about his success in Home Installs, his plans to buy another installs truck and hire more crew on the top of his list. His attention to customer service was unequalled, and it was an admirable quality that he enforced on all of his employees, making Carleton Place Home Hardware the friendliest and most helpful place to shop.

Randy was a man that knew how to get the job done, and usually that job started with a handshake. A handshake meant something to him, as did every person he did business with. He loved both of his communities of Smiths Falls and Carleton Place and all the people he knew in them.

The bewilderment and sense of loss will be with us for a while, as it’s all part of the process. But Jody’s son Logan says it best when speaking of Randy: “God must’ve needed Randy to build some mansions in Heaven.”

You will be greatly missed, Randy. And we may shed a tear or two, but just pretend you don’t see. And we’ll promise to keep going and carrying on what you built in your life. Don’t worry, Randy, help will always be close to Home.

Rest well, have a kick-ass afterlife, and thanks, Randy - for everything.